Insomnia...

It's 2:12am, and I just can't fall back asleep after waking up at 12:54am thinking I heard a baby cry.  After checking both kids and realizing I must have been dreaming, I have been laying awake with a wide range of random thoughts floating around in my head.

Thoughts like, I'm excited to be waited on this Thursday at the Relief Society birthday dinner.  The guys are serving us ladies!

Elon is actually staying home with the kids and sending me up with a salad that I'm so excited to say he's making himself!  (He's a great cook, but chopping veggies for a salad is not exactly his forte.)

I want to become a good photographer so much it hurts. 

I'm yearning to know what terms like "noise" and "saturation" truly mean.  My sister gave me some valuable encouragement when she told me that a lot of great photographers start out doing exactly what I'm doing right now; asking questions, taking a million experimental pictures, asking more questions!  If I ever find myself in the midst of a "titled" photographer I carefully corner them and pelt them with every question under the sun in hopes of remembering at least one or two things they've said.  

I don't know why but another thought I had in my unsuccessful quest to fall back asleep was that I love Hallie's voice over the phone.  While I was in Vegas, I couldn't soak up that little voice enough.  I loved hearing how daddy made French toast for dinner and how he took she and Chandler to pick out a movie from red box to have a special movie night.  Nothing is better than being reminded of the kind of man I married, channeled through a voice that turns my heart to mush every time I hear it over the phone. 

Speaking of my heart turning to mush...whenever I have a hard time sleeping I often reflect on those first weeks of having a newborn,  where I would yearn with every fiber of my being for the opportunity to just lay down and not have to get up with a baby who doesn't seem to know the night from the day.  

That got me thinking back to when Chandler and I spent a good portion of the night in my dim-lit master bedroom, while Elon slept on the couch just to give us more room in the bed.  These were Chandler's "awake" moments and I remember putting his head on my shoulder to pat his back after a feeding.  He then lifted that fuzzy little newborn head and stared with wide eyes at the wall behind us.  I remember being wrapped with pure love for that little bundle.  I told myself I never wanted to forget this picture right here...of Chandler staring wide-eyed at that shadowy wall.  There's nothing really significant about that typical way I was holding him, or that way he often stared at things...but in that very moment, a hefty dose of unconditional love seeped into my heart for that boy that I never want to forget.

It's funny how little miracles happen while walking through the trenches of life...because I can't begin to describe how hard those sleepless nights were for me.

I love being a mom.

And even though most days I feel frustrated and tired, and too afraid to pray for the patience I desperately need,  I love that I have this opportunity to love in a way I didn't think was possible.

Can you tell it's 3:03 in the morning? 

I get a little sappy when I'm over-tired.  I should try to go catch a wink before my well-rested-bright-eyed-and bushy-tailed little ones wake me up!